The Broken Chair

When I was a child I used to think that God’s love was conditional upon my being good enough. Today I have learned otherwise. As I have grown and struggled along with the knowledge that I will always fall short of even my own expectations that I set for myself, I now know that I am still accepted in the beloved. Meaning, God loves me in spite of how despicable I may see myself.

I can still remember when I first had this revelation of God’s unconditional love towards me. It was an “ah-ha moment” because I just didn’t expect it. I was in such a rage that I was screaming at my husband while slamming a chair on our dining room floor. Although a Christian, I was out of control and I don’t even remember what it was that I was so mad at. But I did break the chair. And afterwards, I felt so ashamed. When I finally started to calm, I sat down in the living room and put my head in my hands. Feeling hot with the guilt that was starting to rise, I couldn’t believe that I had behaved so badly. And although I don’t remember what the issue was now, I do recall that it didn’t warrant that kind of a response. I had failed. Once again, I had overreacted. And once again, my heart gave me no choice but to turn to God for forgiveness.

In my state of mind at the time, I was still beating myself up. I expected to hear God say something like, “What you did was unacceptable! How could you have been so bad? Blah, blah, blah, blah”. But instead, I heard Him tell me that He loved me. And what’s more? That He understood, as His Spirit spoke to my spirit to remind me that I was His child. It was like getting a hug from a dear friend when I least knew it was coming and it was the very thing that I didn’t know I needed. He lifted my head and I knew that He was with me, even though I didn’t do anything good at all to deserve His grace. Yet, He showed it to me anyhow. He didn’t give me a lecture. And He didn’t lead me to some passage of Scripture to remind me that I should let go of my anger – He just loved me where I was. Besides, I already knew those things. What I didn’t know was how very much He still loved me, even while I was still being “bad.” This was mind blowing! And it was just the beginning of a very sweet season that I had shared with the Lord of learning how to leave my childish thinking behind that I could somehow earn His favor. Today, He is still teaching me to rest in Him and to know that He loves me even when I blow it. And I haven’t broken a chair since.

Belinda D